My Relationship With Social Anxiety

I wrote this post ages ago, mainly as a way of venting to myself, without ever intending to post it. However, I thought you know what? Having social anxiety is nothing to be ashamed or embraced about, so I might as well hit that Publish button. So, here ya go kids...

Ever since I can remember, I have been shy. As a child I would cower away from everyone, whether they be younger, my age or older. I have always been quite happy in my own company, or in the company of a select few who I was incredibly close to. I have never been one to seek attention or crave the spotlight, in fact I am quite the opposite. When I was younger I used to hate my birthday because of the dreadful 30 seconds at the end of the evening when I became the centre of attention, and my family would sing 'Happy Birthday' to me. One year I even hid in the kitchen and refused to blow my own candles out. 

I would often jealously look on at my little sister, in awe at how social she could be; easily talking to people of every age, and in return getting liked by everyone around her. I never felt as though I was liked. I was always the quiet, unapproachable standoffish one, who would hide behind my Mum, or get her to talk for me, in the fear that I would mess up or say something wrong. When you behave like that as a child, it is viewed as sweet or endearing. However when you are still hiding behind your Mum at 19 years old, it is less so. 

As I got older, I wouldn't describe it as being 'shy' anymore. It was more like 'overwhelmed' by people around me, whether it be a busy kitchen at university, or an aisle full of busy shoppers in a supermarket. People put me on edge, and I didn't know why, because no one else seemed to be like this. During my mid-teens I had got to the point where I couldn't order my own food in a restaurant, or I had to take someone to the checkout with me to help me to pay for whatever it was that I wanted to buy. I ended up getting frustrated with myself because none of my friends behaved like this, or got scared at the thought of a social interaction with someone. It made me feel very inferior, especially as I couldn't describe why I felt that way. I also never really told any of my friends at school about how I felt, as I didn't want them to treat me any differently, or Heaven forbid make a fuss over me. Looking back on it now, I think I would've been a lot happier if I did say something. 

As I settled more into high school and began to make better friends, my anxiousness around people seemed to ease off a little. It got quite bad again during my ALevels and the transition into Sixth Form, but it wasn't anything that I couldn't handle. Then I started university. The very second I moved into my brand new room, surrounded my by new textbooks, bedding and stationery, all I wanted to do was lock my door and never let my parents go home and leave me behind. After a lot of persuasion, my Dad managed to get me to agree to go into the kitchen with my Mum to put my food in the fridge. To my horror, there was  another girl in there with her Mum, and everything went to shit again inside my head. I immediately did the whole hiding-behind-my-Mum thing again, as up until now she had been my comfort blanket in every social situation that I couldn't handle. I was standing there in the kitchen and just froze. I didn't want to be seen, noticed or looked at, in the fear that this other girl (who is actually now my best friend in the entire world) would attempt to talk to me. I have always hated talking. I have never been very good at it, as I have an amazing ability of getting myself flustered and either messing up completely and getting tongue-tied, or just quietly mumbling, resulting in me having to repeat myself saying simple things such as "my name is Ruth". 

I have been extremely lucky in the fact that I quickly made an amazing group of friends at university, who are the most understanding and lovely people I have ever met. I would say that it took me until just after Christmas to properly settle into university life. It was a big change to have to fend for myself, and more importantly, talk for myself. But as I got more and more settled, my anxiety began to decrease. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I will flatly refuse to enter the kitchen if it has more than about six people in, and sometimes all I want to do is lock myself in my room, but I began to feel a lot better about everything. I also tried something different since starting uni: using humour as a coping mechanism. My personal favourite is self deprecating humour, as if I poke fun at myself before anyone else does, it's a lot easier for me to handle. I also found that this gave me a lot more confidence, as at school I never attempted to do or say anything funny. In fact, I hardly said a word at all. But to now hear people describe me as being funny, I feel a lot less shitty about my socially inadequate self. 

However that all changed the very moment I was informed about someone very close to me becoming ill. Once again, everything went to shit, and it has been like this for a couple of weeks now. I have returned to being like that small child who wants to hide behind their Mum. However she isn't here at university, she is at home. I am almost twenty years old now. I have missed out on so much in my life, and given up on so many amazing opportunities like job offers and meeting amazing people. There are less than three weeks until the end of term, and I am so scared that as soon as I go home, I will make the most of being able to hide again, which is something that I cannot afford to do when, up until now, I have come such a long way. 

Edit: A few weeks after originally writing this Post.

It is now the summer holidays, and thankfully I will be able to go back to university relatively soon! (If you told me that I would say that last September, I would have certainly laughed in your face and told you to do one!) After several failed visits to the GP to try and sort this situation out, I have decided to take it upon myself to try and fix this without the use of any more medication (this is my personal opinion as it did not work for me, but everyone is different). I literally cannot wait to properly move into my new uni house with my favourite people, and start my new course (more about that later). At the moment I am feeling extremely positive about the future, and for the first time I feel like everything is going to be just fine.